God's Army.

I have these periods every few weeks where my past comes back to haunt me. Whether the memories are bad or good, it nonetheless looms in my head, popping up in the most unfortunate times. My tendency to suppress memories is rather unhealthy, and I think it is due to the fact that facing the past is more painful than the memory itself.

This past week has been rather strange; the flood gates have opened. I don't think I have had a flood memories of this magnitude in awhile. I feel like I am constantly swinging at these idiotic things, trying to get them away; out of the field, past the bleachers. But I keep striking out, and have to keep swinging. Let's just say it's frustrating.

What is even more frustrating is the fact that these memories are hard to talk about with other people. There are stories and emotions with each memory that other people simply just don't understand. So, unfortunately, it is a personal battle. A battle that rarely presents a side kick or wing-man. It's always "every man for himself." At least, it feels that way.

I spent about twenty minutes tonight doing some personal reading. I read a lot of verses, but just didn't find that one verse that provided me with the perfect revelation and that moment of "Ah, that is exactly what I needed." I almost gave up. That is until my best friend walks over, opens up the Bible to random page and reads a random verse. It was perfect:

2 Chronicles 20:15 - " Do not be afraid nor dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours, but God's."

Kelsey closed the book, nonchalantly said "Wow, that's comforting", proceeded to close the book, and started watching television. I spend twenty or so minutes looking for a verse like that, and took her a matter of seconds. The way God works in my life amazes sometimes.

I stayed on that verse in my mind for several minutes. Kelsey didn't know it, but I had a whirl wind of thoughts going through my head. I know the context was different, but I imagined all of my battles being God's. Everything that has every caused me pain or distress were not my battles to fight. They were God's.

All of that high school drama? If I had given it to God, would have seemed stupid at the time.
All of that harbored up hatred? If I had given it to God, would have seemed irrational.
All of those tears? If I had give it to God, they could have been utilized for something more important.
All of those relationships with family and friends? If I had given it God, would have been stronger.

I guess it is in the anatomy of a college student to have an "I can do it myself" attitude. I definitely encountered that feeling many times at school. If I had an exam: "Oh, if I just study hard, I can get an A." If I had a long day: "Oh, if I just drink coffee and concentrate I can get through it." If I needed to work out: "Oh, if I just find the right song, I can push myself through it." What each situation in my life lacked was the support of God.

In any battle in life, he is like his own army. And not just any army. The best. Fearless. Bold. Trusting. Unbeatable.

It all comes back to these stupid reoccurring memories of mine. I have always been a rather self-reflecting person. In fact, too much much self-reflecting. I worry too much, and think too much about these situations in my life, that I forget to stop looking at my own reflection. And no, I do not mean a literal reflection. I mean that I too much self-reflecting in comparison to my own standards, instead of God's.

I need God's army on my side. I need to start striving to God's dream for me, instead of my own.

Then maybe, just maybe, I can finally conquer these memories once and for all.