See the flames, Stretching Higher.

I am totally supposed to be studying for my Media Literacy test tomorrow, but it is quite impossible right now. I think I have maybe ten different emotions going on in my mind right now. It is a little overwhelming to say the least. Happiness. Success. Frustration. Worry. Excitement. Joy. Sadness. Annoyance. Exhaustion. Homesick. Yup, that pretty much just sums it all up. All I can really do right now is just close my eyes and listen to music, because doing anything else just sets my mind off again.

Isn't it annoying how people always say, "The past is the past, just forget it!" but yet, the past always finds a way to creep back in your life. No matter how much you think you are okay with it, it just never seems to go away. I just really wish I was more comfortable with all the situations I have dealt with in the past, because if I was, I would be a much more open person and a stronger Christian. But it feels like I am getting now where. Every time I feel like I have finally climbed and struggled up the mountain, I fall off a cliff and have to start all over again.

I pray to God all the time to help me. And he has. But then my mind, somehow (and not by conscious consent) escapes God's will and just brings me back to those places where I feel most uncomfortable. My past has been relatively easy compared to most people. I have not had an catastrophic events, sudden deaths, or intense illnesses, but it has been hard for me. They are my struggles, and they are hard for me.

I have a few books on my reading list at the moment, and I hope that I can finally start them soon: once I get enough time in my day. Crazy Love, and then Captivating. Crazy Love is a book most people have heard of and it is all about God's love, about how we don't deserve it, about how it never ever ends. And Captivating is about a women's heart, womanly beauty, and the concept of love. I am praying that both of these books will help with specific situations in the past.

On a side note, I had a lovely time with my brothers and sisters at campfire tonight. My favorite part? Making up praise songs on the spot. It was, honestly, nice to just express my praise in my own words, and not through someone else's lyrics. I needed that little outlet, because I needed a reconnection with God this week, and I truly think that helped me. I have been so caught up in my annoyingly busy schedule lately and my relationship with my schoolwork, that I have neglected the progress of my relationship with God.

And now, my brain is just drained. I need summer more than any of you can ever know. Freshmen year has been a trial and a triumph all in one. I need a breather, preferably on a beach.