Note To Self:

Wear board shorts while surfing. I went for the first time and my legs are still torn up from three days ago. 

But things I have learned today:

- I need to stop being a lazy bum a go to the gym.

- I love hoodies too much.

- I need new glasses, especially after the eye doctor comment on the amount of scratches they have.

- I love my new glasses slash prescription sun glasses. Two pairs, oh yeah.

- I need to stop staying up so late for no good reason.

God's Army.

I have these periods every few weeks where my past comes back to haunt me. Whether the memories are bad or good, it nonetheless looms in my head, popping up in the most unfortunate times. My tendency to suppress memories is rather unhealthy, and I think it is due to the fact that facing the past is more painful than the memory itself.

This past week has been rather strange; the flood gates have opened. I don't think I have had a flood memories of this magnitude in awhile. I feel like I am constantly swinging at these idiotic things, trying to get them away; out of the field, past the bleachers. But I keep striking out, and have to keep swinging. Let's just say it's frustrating.

What is even more frustrating is the fact that these memories are hard to talk about with other people. There are stories and emotions with each memory that other people simply just don't understand. So, unfortunately, it is a personal battle. A battle that rarely presents a side kick or wing-man. It's always "every man for himself." At least, it feels that way.

I spent about twenty minutes tonight doing some personal reading. I read a lot of verses, but just didn't find that one verse that provided me with the perfect revelation and that moment of "Ah, that is exactly what I needed." I almost gave up. That is until my best friend walks over, opens up the Bible to random page and reads a random verse. It was perfect:

2 Chronicles 20:15 - " Do not be afraid nor dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours, but God's."

Kelsey closed the book, nonchalantly said "Wow, that's comforting", proceeded to close the book, and started watching television. I spend twenty or so minutes looking for a verse like that, and took her a matter of seconds. The way God works in my life amazes sometimes.

I stayed on that verse in my mind for several minutes. Kelsey didn't know it, but I had a whirl wind of thoughts going through my head. I know the context was different, but I imagined all of my battles being God's. Everything that has every caused me pain or distress were not my battles to fight. They were God's.

All of that high school drama? If I had given it to God, would have seemed stupid at the time.
All of that harbored up hatred? If I had given it to God, would have seemed irrational.
All of those tears? If I had give it to God, they could have been utilized for something more important.
All of those relationships with family and friends? If I had given it God, would have been stronger.

I guess it is in the anatomy of a college student to have an "I can do it myself" attitude. I definitely encountered that feeling many times at school. If I had an exam: "Oh, if I just study hard, I can get an A." If I had a long day: "Oh, if I just drink coffee and concentrate I can get through it." If I needed to work out: "Oh, if I just find the right song, I can push myself through it." What each situation in my life lacked was the support of God.

In any battle in life, he is like his own army. And not just any army. The best. Fearless. Bold. Trusting. Unbeatable.

It all comes back to these stupid reoccurring memories of mine. I have always been a rather self-reflecting person. In fact, too much much self-reflecting. I worry too much, and think too much about these situations in my life, that I forget to stop looking at my own reflection. And no, I do not mean a literal reflection. I mean that I too much self-reflecting in comparison to my own standards, instead of God's.

I need God's army on my side. I need to start striving to God's dream for me, instead of my own.

Then maybe, just maybe, I can finally conquer these memories once and for all.

Creativity in Everyday Life.

I am feeling a little overwhelmed at the moment. This sense of; how do I put it? Tiredness. I haven't felt this way since my four a.m. study sessions during finals week. It's not so much that my body is tired. It is more of a mental exhaustion. I feel like I have seen, done, and felt so much in the past week. I just need a break, you know?

A week ago today, my dad called me telling me that my dog had cancer and that he was going to be put down. The next day, I spend the day with my dog, in addition to doing several loads of laundry and watching my little brothers and sister bawl their eyes out after hearing the news. The next day, I drove four hours and went swimming with a family of nine kids. That night, we played lots of games filled with laughter, and didn't fall asleep until late. Continuing on, the next day was filled with hiking, river swimming, and small talk at a graduation party. On Saturday, I drove a few hours into Richmond with two friends, and let's just say my driving was not the best. Not to mention I was a little bummed that I could not see all my friends that day. Saturday night, we walked around int he most beautiful park you could ever imagine; in the rain. And on Sunday, I got up early, went to assembly, finally sat next to my wonderful boyfriend at assembly, had a lovely lunch with his family, and spend the rest of the day just being happy. I finally drove home, alone, on Monday morning, sleep deprived considering I spend the night before watching SNL reruns on the laptop and did not want to fall asleep. My week closed with a shift a work, and let's just say I was not happy about it.

Happiness. Sadness. Tired. In awe. Content. Excited. Relaxed. I felt it all. In the matter of five days, I felt it all. Now I am just sitting here, a few days later, questioning myself and whether or not it all really happened.

Life kind of amazes me sometimes.

And I thank God for that everyday.
If every day of mine was plain and boring, I think I would be upset with my life. I like the fact that every day of mine is completely different than the last.

Yesterday I slept and relaxed. Today I jammed out while riding down Route One with a few of my closest friends.

Thank you God. For showing me your love by applying your creativity in my everyday life.

BEAST.

Two videos of some beast songs. Woop.

I Am Happy.

As the lovely Miss Natalie reminded me, I have not blogged in a week and three days. Craziness. But unintentional. Let me give you the run down of what my life has consisted of the during the past week and a half.

Uno: Beach. I have started getting a darker tan line, score!

Dos: Working. I have worked everyday for the past week, and about 3 doubles, including the double I am working tomorrow. But hey, gotta get that cash flow some how I guess.

Tres: Moving. Me and Kelsey are officially roommates in my mom-mom's empty apartment. It took a few more days than expected, but we got it here. And, one, I repeat, ONE corner of the apartment has working wi-fi. Insert happy dance here. 

Cuatro: Praying. As I have mentioned before, I feel like I have let myself drift from God since I left school. Unintentional, but nonetheless important so my prayer and private Bible readings have gotten better.

Cinco: Planning. I am trying to plan for my weekend in Virginia, which is a little more than I thought when it comes to getting my car ready (I have to get new tires), getting the money, confirming days and times with people, and making sure my parents understand that I can in fact drive five hours alone. 

Read this verse tonight, so I thought I would share:

"I know there is nothing better for men than to be happy and do good while they live." Ecclesiastes 3:12

I thought it kind of fit with my life at the moment. I am so happy. So, so happy. And I am trying as best I can to do good. I am hoping I can keep this pattern going for the rest of the summer.