[ This post, unlike many of the posts prior, is not necessarily focused around Biblical concepts. This is not because I am lacking any more faith than I had while posting the last one, but it simply because people tend to complete ignore things that are directly related to “religion.” (I put religion in quotation marks simply because I don’t like to refer to my faith as a religion. I consider it a relationship).But again, let me clarify even further before I receive criticism.
Of course I associate myself with Christianity as often as humanly possible. I, in all honestly, want and would love to be known as the Jesus-Freak. So by not focusing this post on Biblical ideals does not mean I am hiding from my beliefs. I am just trying to show people, specifically those who disregard these posts because of their association to faith, that I am a regular human being. I have problems. I have doubts. I have heartbreaks and heartaches. I hope that by showing people that these thoughts are coming from a “normal” human being, that people will be more willing and less afraid (I guess that is the right word), of hearing someone talk about Jesus Christ in the long-run. So there may be times where I will post things that don’t have as much Biblical references. ]
So after that clarification, I think I should probably start writing about what I actually wanted to talk about.
I spend a few weeks back home for Christmas break, obviously. In fact, many of them are still home. But my Christmas break was strangely different than most I have ever had. In fact, it was quite eye-opening because I realized how much of a lack of purpose and definition there is in my life. I don’t say that to be cliche, but it’s true. Your first long break home after your first semester at college will reveal to you what exactly you have left. You realize what exactly it is you like to do in your spare time, since you have loads of it. You realize exactly how important your family is, since you haven’t seen them in months. And you realize who exactly you want to be friends with, because you actually have the choice to hang out with them or not. Pretty much, since Christmas break, which I know wasn’t even that long ago, I guess you could say I have done some “soul-searching.” Going home was such a big shock for me because it was nothing like I expected. Schoolwork keeps me busy when I am in school, but without school, I had no reason to get up in the morning. This is a problem to me and I realized I need to find some definition and focus in my life.
I am taking a philosophy course this semester. Of course, there is always a little hesitation when entering a philosophy course because most people’s first thought is “I hope they aren’t going to try to change what I believe.” (Or at least something of that nature.) But I was relieved to enter this class and find it to be discussion based. The professor doesn’t really have an agenda, she merely just starts the discussion and allows the class to almost create their own notes. I found the most interesting part of this class to be the concept of “autonomy”, or in the greek definintion, “self-law.” It is the idea of how someone governs themselves, how one decides what to believe, or how someone decides to “run” their life. Then came up the question, can one ever really be completely, 100% autonomous? Or is there always going to be an outside influence affected how we behave or view ourselves?
My thought is no. I don’t think we ever can be completely autonomous. For example, as the “goody-two shoes” most people see me as, I don’t drink. Some might say that is my own personal decision so therefore it is my autonomy. But, think about it this way. Why don’t I drink? I mean come on, I am a college student. I honestly would love to drink alcohol if I could. But people tend to look at my unwillingness to drink as a way to be “snobby.” But no, I assure that is not the reason. There are actually several reasons. One, of course, is it because I am underage but most people ignore that reason anyways. Secondly, it is looked down upon in the Church of Christ and we are not supposed to drink alcohol. And lastly, I have seen the affects of alcohol is rather extreme health situations, so I know I would have rather high chance of also acquiring those health symptoms. So in terms of autonomy, think about it this way: If I were completely autonomous, I would drink because it is “enjoyable” or “fun.” But because my decisions are based off of those three reasons I stated above, it does not fall in to autonomous being. Because technically, I am free to drink (I have the ability to drink) but I do not have the liberty to drink (I am not allowed to drink.) (Notice the difference between freedom and liberty). But again this is my own personal theory and thoughts, so it may not be completely correct.
I mentioned my philosophy class and the thought of autonomy because it directly relates to the feelings I had during Christmas break. I really needed to explore my autonomous self and figure out exactly “who I am and who I want to become.” (Again, sorry about the cliches.) And exploring yourself to change obviously requires some reflection
Self-reflection is more than just looking at yourself in a mirror. Most people define themselves in terms of superficial standards. Do I have a lot of friends? Do I get attention from guys? Am I getting good grades? Do I look good? I call this “My Butt Looks Big” mentality because people tend to judge themselves based one the people and things around them, rather than judging themselves internally. This “My Butt Looks Big” mentality is one that a lot of people fall victim to and in my opinion is a cowardly reflex that most people harbor into. It is easier to judge yourself outwardly than inwardly.
But what you see in the mirror can change within any given moment. A new shirt. A new diet. A new hair cut. But, your “self”, now that is not exactly the most metamorphic thing by any means. Your “self” sticks with you because it has been molded and shaped your entire life.
So the challenge now becomes this: Can someone reflect well enough to actually change their “self” (or autonomy) or will it simply just change their behavior? And this can be in relation to my drinking example or more in depth concepts such as defining your goals in life?
I’m a normal human being, I swear. I want the same things as you. Although, its hidden a lot of the time and it is rather difficult to find.
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